How Do I Set Boundaries With My Teen?
DEAR SHERRY:
Do you have any tips for setting boundaries with teens?
Thank you!
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR TEEN
DEAR SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR TEEN :
From the moment our children are born, we are slowly letting go to teach them to fly on their own.
It is essential for adolescents to branch out and make mistakes, and at the same time, they need to know we are providing them with a sense of security at home. We do this through setting limits, being there for them, and loving them unconditionally, no matter what they do.
My thoughts are:
BE CLEAR WITH EXPECTATIONS AND CONSEQUENCES
It is essential to set clear expectations with resulting consequences for your teen. For example, if your teen misses their curfew, a logical consequence would be not to go out the next night. Another example is, if your teen doesn't do their homework, the natural consequence is they will likely get a poor grade on their test.
BE CONSISTENT WITH YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND CONSEQUENCES
Kids are more likely to try and break the rules if they know you aren't consistent. If it is your teen's job to empty the dishwasher every day, but you do it half the time, they won't remember to do it.
Going back to the curfew example, if you do not set a consistent consequence when they are late, they are more likely to be late again, because there is a chance they can get away with it.
BE REALISTIC ABOUT YOUR TEENS BEHAVIOR
Teens are supposed to push boundaries; it is part of the developmental stage. Also, their brains aren't thoroughly developed, so it is not uncommon for them to act impulsively.
BE MINDFUL OF WHAT YOU MODEL
Most of what your kids learn from you is through observation. I don't always appreciate how my teen talks to me, and I sometimes realize I talk that way to them.
BE CALM AND SUPPORTIVE
Kids will make mistakes; they aren't born with life skills; it is our job to teach them. They will make many mistakes, just like us; we are all constantly learning.
Remember, it never helps anyone to get "beat up" when they make a mistake. It creates fear and insecurity, which makes someone more likely to make more mistakes. Ask your teen how you could support them in making better choices.
Ask them what kind of life they want for themselves and if their behavior aligns with what they want? It is crucial to help them to learn to be internally motivated to engage in responsible and respectful behavior toward themselves and others.
As hard as it is to be a teenager, it can be even harder to be the parent of one!
Wishing you strength and patience!
SHERRY
