Why Do I Have A Difficult Time Accepting Acts Of Kindness From Others?

DEAR SHERRY:

How come whenever someone tries to do something nice for me, I won’t let them because I feel too bad?

Sincerely,

TROUBLE WITH ACCEPTING KINDNESS

DEAR TROUBLE WITH ACCEPTING KINDNESS:

There can be many possible reasons you do not let people do something nice for you, even a simple act of kindness. It depends on how you took in your environment as a child and the possible direct or indirect messages you might have received. As your template from our family of origin influences everything you think, feel, and do.

Here are a few examples that come to mind; do one or more of these resonate with you?

*You don’t want to owe anyone anything. You may have been given a spoken or unspoken message that there is a price to pay for everything.

*You do not want to depend on others. Perhaps you have been hurt and don’t want to risk putting your heart out there, so it is easier to depend on yourself. Maybe in your mind letting someone do something nice for you is a sign of weakness?

*You do not feel deserving or worthwhile. Maybe growing up, your parents devoted more time to your sibling because they had special needs, or played a sport, or misbehaved a lot, and you internalized that and came to believe you were unimportant?

*You feel bad taking someone’s time. Perhaps you feel like a burden for some reason. For example, maybe you are the oldest in your family of origin and perceived your mom to feel taxed and drained by your younger siblings, so you adapted by trying not to need her for anything because you didn’t want her to feel more stressed?

Understanding why you feel this way is another step in helping to change the behavior because then you can process your feelings and heal. If you do that, your behavior will change naturally.

No matter what the reason. It is great that you notice this is hard for you! We can not make changes without awareness.

I know it can be scary to keep our hearts open, but try and remember that it is best to have an open channel of giving and receiving in life. Kindness is an expression of love, and love is what makes the world go round.

Take a moment to note that you are accepting kindness by asking for help. That is a courageous step!

Thank you for writing in!

With love,

Sherry