How Do I Get Over A Decision I Made Out Of Fear?
DEAR SHERRY:
When I was 30, I chose to have an abortion. I made this decision out of fear - fear of being in an unhealthy marriage or being a single mom, fear of being rejected or shamed by family, friends, society in general, and all the other fears that come with an unplanned pregnancy. I was healthy and (fairly) financially stable. It is entirely possible that I would have come to the same decision if I made my choice out of love, but knowing the anger and sadness that motivated me to have the abortion gives me pause.
I cannot say I regret the decision, as I am sure the life that I love and have today would not exist had I made the choice to have that baby. I thought that with time and children of my own the pain of not knowing my first child would subside, but I find myself increasingly wondering who that child would be and try to insert him into what my life is like today.
My question is twofold: 1) I know I will always think about that child, but is it possible to move past the pain of knowing I made a life-altering fear-based decision? 2) Is there any wisdom or reading you can impart about what happens to the souls of aborted babies? When I search for this I only find sides of the political debate or religious dogma.
Thank You!
HARD ON MYSELF
DEAR HARD ON YOURSELF:
I am so sorry that you are hurting so much over this decision.
Yes, it is possible to move past your pain. As with any loss, it is important to move through the 5 stages of loss; denial, bargaining, anger, grief, and acceptance. We weave in and out of these stages until we ultimately end up at acceptance. We never forget, it is like a scar, we remember what happened, but we no longer experience the pain of the gaping wound.
It sounds like you are stuck in bargaining when you speak of wishing you made this decision out of love versus fear. Bargaining is wishing we did something different to somehow prevent the outcome. We hold on to this to protect ourselves from our grief. This may be preventing you from moving forward. It is natural to wonder what your child would be like and imagine your life with them in it. Take the time to honor your feelings, whatever they are, when they surface. If you feel sad, cry. If you feel angry express that, it will help you to move through the loss.
It would be ideal if every decision we made was out of love, but the reality is sometimes we make decisions out of fear. We are human and we learn, grow and connect to ourselves more, through every experience we have. Beating ourselves up never makes it better. In order to forgive yourself, I think it could also be helpful to look at this from a deeper perspective and perhaps you can have some compassion for yourself.
Ask yourself and write down all of your thoughts about this experience. Then write down all of your feelings. After that, ask yourself if this circumstance is familiar in any way? Did those responsible for you make decisions that negatively altered your life. Perhaps you need to explore that and forgive that person and then you can forgive yourself for making this choice.
To address your second question, "Your Souls Gift, The healing power of the life you planned before you were born" by Robert Schwartz is a great book that addresses what happens to the souls of aborted babies. He explains that the soul is not present during an abortion, as it does not fully reside in the body until birth. He also says that the soul of the baby is in agreement with this decision and will choose to come into your life at a different time or take another path. I am hopeful this information will give you a different perspective about your decision and help your heart to heal.
Sending lots of love and a big comforting hug,
SHERRY