How can I make suggestions about raising our child to my partner who seems reluctant to receiving advice?

DEAR SHERRY,

My husband tries to help me with our new baby, but when I give him pointers, he gets mad at me. I’ve tried wording my suggestions kindly, but he seems to hear criticism no matter how I word it. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

AT A LOSS

DEAR AT A LOSS,

Thanks so much for writing in. This is a great question! It is not uncommon for people to take things personally and it provides a great opportunity for self-reflection and to understand the people that are closest to us.

Before taking a deeper dive, here are my quick thoughts:

You can try asking him how he would like you to word it when you have a suggestion so that he is open to hearing it. You can also wait for him to ask you when he needs advice or help versus giving it unsolicited.

Now for a more in-depth understanding:

You can explore together why he hears your suggestions as criticism. We all have a lens through which we interpret our environment. Ask him what he hears you saying when you offer a suggestion. He might hear, “You are stupid”, “You don’t know how to do anything right”, or “You aren’t a good dad”.

Now that you are both parents, subconsciously, he can view you as his parent and feel like a child in some of your interactions. When we misinterpret the current situation, we are not in the present moment, we are taken back to another point in time, usually in our childhood. In this example, in your husband's psyche, you would be the internalized parent, a representation of one of his parents that hurt him in some way. So if he felt criticized by his mom for example, and you are giving him just a suggestion, he will hear criticism because of this template from his childhood. In this same example, your husband would be in the role of the internalized child; the part of self that was wounded in some way and hasn’t dealt with his feelings. This could be a perfect opportunity for him to heal and work through childhood wounds.

It might be a great opportunity for you as well! You can also take a close look at your expectations, and remember, there isn’t just one way of doing things. Both moms and dads can be very nervous about the well-being of their children and have a hard time accepting that the other may have a different way of doing things. This nervousness can come from a lack of security in your own childhood. Subconsciously, your child becomes the internalized child, the part of self that wasn’t adequately taken care of in some way and felt insecure. In that moment you become the idealized parent, the part of self that overcompensates in some way due to your unmet needs, wanting to give your child everything you didn’t get. Your spouse then becomes the internalized parent, the part of self that represents the parent that did the wounding. This can cause a lot of arguing and resentment.

Recognizing, exploring, and understanding these states of being will allow you to have more compassion for yourself and each other and deepen your bond while raising your kids.

All too often, because couples aren’t aware of these dynamics they can grow apart.

Thank you so much for writing in and shining a light on such an important topic.

Sincerely,

Sherry