How can I find peace with my mom being in hospice as I witness her slowly dying?

DEAR SHERRY,

I am so grateful you have crossed paths with me. I am 66, my Mom is 93 and in Hospice now. She still knows me. My issue is I am not strong enough to be with her as much as I thought I could be. I become physically dizzy, anxious and stressed. I had a crying breakdown for two days. I have worked on going fewer days but nothing works. She is slowly going home to be with the Lord. Watching her regress is hard. Leaving her is harder. She is in good hands but I am still struggling.

Thanks for reading.

FEELING DESTABILIZED

DEAR FEELING DESTABILIZED,

Whether we are 6 or 66 losing our mother can be devastating.

Your mom is your source of security in the world. In most cases, moms carry you in their womb birthing you into this life. As an infant, your relationship with your mom is symbiotic; you do not even realize you are separate from her. Throughout childhood, you look to your mom to meet all of your physical and emotional needs. As a child, if you don’t have the security of your mom on some level, you fear for your survival.

During adolescence, you are supposed to separate and individuate from your mom and become your own person so that you no longer need her as your source of security and you have the wings to fly and leave the nest.

For various reasons, most of us don’t fully separate and individuate from our parents; so when our mom or dad dies or is sick and dying, we can have a heightened reaction because it feels like we are losing our source of security. I think this is why you are getting dizzy, feeling anxious and stressed, crying, and having a hard time being with her.

I suggest telling yourself that you are safe. Think about all of the ways you are capable of taking care of yourself and write them down. It will serve as a gentle reminder of just how strong you are. You are already taking steps to take care of yourself by visiting your mom less often and writing me.

Remind yourself of happy and comforting memories that you shared with your mom. Bask in those memories. I know it comforts you knowing that she will be with the Lord, but her spirit will always be with you and you can always seek comfort in that.

If you need further help with your grief, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist for support.

Love,

Sherry