How can I overcome a panic attack?

DEAR SHERRY

When my partner is going out at night and I am home, I start having an anxiety attack if he is not home by the time he said he would. It gets to a point where I prefer to go out with him even if I don't feel like it, rather than having to go through these moments of panic. I have been like this for as long as I can remember (since my first boyfriend when I was a teenager), and it only does that with a partner. Never with a friend or other family member. Would you have some tips to help me overcome this?

Thanks for your help!

PANIC-STRICKEN

DEAR PANIC-STRICKEN,

I am sorry this is happening to you… Anxiety can feel very debilitating. I am happy to share some thoughts and techniques to help you come back to a place of calm during these difficult moments.

First, I would like to note that any time someone starts to feel anxiety, it is their body's way of signaling that they feel unsafe. If you are not in danger, this is an unprocessed response from some point in your past when you did not feel safe and secure. This could have been a perceived or actual threat to your safety.

I suggest following your breath in and out in an area of your body that feels calming. It could be your stomach, your heart, or the top of your head for example. You could then tell yourself that you are safe and that your body is remembering a time when you didn’t feel safe, and this is coming to the surface for healing.

In your mind, you could then go back to a time when you felt safe. Think about where you were, who you were with, the sights, the sounds, the smells, etc…Our brains don’t know the difference between perception and reality and this can be very calming.

I would write down all the thoughts and feelings that come up for you when your partner goes out and you start to panic. After writing down your thoughts and feelings, ask yourself how is this familiar?

Even if a situation isn’t the same, our brains will take us back to times when we felt similar emotions. Maybe there was a time you felt abandoned by your father and that is why it only happens with males. This abandonment can be of a physical or emotional nature, and it can be from one experience or something that was chronic and ongoing. Trust that the answer is inside of you.

Once you identify what memory it is, sit with yourself, allow yourself to process the experience. Explore your thoughts, emotions, and what happened. How could you comfort that part of you today that felt scared and unsafe? What does this younger part of you need to hear in order to feel better? You can re-parent her and provide her with the comfort she needs today that she wasn’t able to get when she felt this way before.

Thank you for writing in. So many people suffer from anxiety in the world. I hope this reaches many and helps not only you, but other people to understand anxiety, move through it, and live a more harmonious life.

Wishing you peace and a sense of safety and security always!

Sherry