How Do I Break A Vicious Cycle I Am In With My Child?

DEAR SHERRY:

My son gets very angry when things “inconvenience him.” Something as simple as waking him up an hour before he has to get up by mistake will set him off. His behavior then results in punishment. It’s a vicious cycle.

Signed,

FED UP MOMMA

DEAR FED UP MOMMA:

I can see how you could get caught in this vicious cycle. When someone becomes aggressive with you, it is easy to get caught up and react to their behavior.

I encourage you to look underneath the behavior. Seek to understand why your son is getting set off. We all take in our environment differently and therefore have different perceptions. Kids are egocentric and think everything has to do with them. Perhaps when you forget and wake him at the wrong time, he feels that you didn’t listen to him. Subconsciously, he might think that what he has to say doesn’t matter; therefore, he doesn’t matter. Hence, the explosion because everyone wants to matter to their momma!

My child likes to use a particular fork and spoon because he has sensory issues. In the past, if I forgot and gave him the wrong one, he would get furious. I explored this with him, and in his mind, he felt like I didn’t know him and therefore we weren’t connected. That is scary for any child, especially a child with sensory issues who struggles with connection. I assured him that we are always connected, that I do know him, and that sometimes I forget because I am human and can get distracted. I am happy to say that I hardly ever forget the fork now, but when I do, he can politely say, mom, look at the fork, we laugh and I get him the one I know he wants.

It appears that you too, are taking things personally, as evidenced by your part in this vicious cycle when you give him punishments for his disrespect. When we are reactive to others and take things personally, it is because “parts of us” haven’t fully grown up. Parts of ourselves get stuck in time. For example, we may have a hurt or lost 4-year-old or 10-year-old inside of us that hasn’t healed from an old wound. We then respond as if we were still that age, in a less than ideal way.

I would encourage you to think about how you perceive his outbursts. How did you take in your environment when you were growing up? Maybe the little kid in you thinks that you can never do anything right, or that you are not appreciated for trying? So subconsciously, you interpret him saying that you are wrong or not good enough and then you lash out by giving him a punishment.

The more we explore these events with those we love, the fewer volcanic eruptions and greater understanding and connection we will have.

Thank you so much for writing in!

Love,

Sherry