Dating Non-Exclusively

DEAR SHERRY:

I’ve recently become single and have started dating. I’ve become rather close to a person and he wants us to be exclusive, but I’m not ready for that and want to date other men. Can you give me advice on how to let him know that I don’t want to be exclusive but I care deeply for him?

Sincerely,

NON-EXCLUSIVE

DEAR NON-EXCLUSIVE:

I can see how this would be hard for you. You want to honor yourself and your own needs, but at the same time, you don’t want to lose someone you care about.

Being honest is of the utmost importance. Be clear about your reasons before having the conversation. It will help the person to understand and be compassionate about where you are coming from. Maybe you are afraid because you remained in a relationship you weren’t happy in, and you want to make sure this person is the one. Perhaps you want to experience dating others because you have been with the same person your entire life; much like a kid who has been in school for years, and wants to explore the world and backpack across Europe before settling down in a career. Whatever the reason, again, honesty is always the best policy. We learn and grow when we are vulnerable with ourselves and others.

I would let them know how much you care about them and what you value about the relationship. I would speak from your heart and tell them that you are not ready to settle down and why. I would express that you hope to continue seeing each other; however, you understand if that isn’t possible.

Perhaps there is a mutually agreeable solution. You might decide to set up parameters that work for both of you. For example, they may be okay with it if you are dating other people, as long as you are not sexually intimate with others. If you get to that point in another relationship, you would let them know.

If they are supposed to remain on your path now they will. If they are meant to take another one that will happen, or perhaps your paths will come together, when the time is right for both of you. Always trust the process.

I have had difficult conversations with people, even though I knew I might lose the relationship if I shared how I felt. As I reflect on these events, even though it is sad in some circumstances, because we never found our way back, I know I made the right decision because I honored myself. We have a deep sense of peace when we honor ourselves, even if the decision has painful consequences.

May the result of your conversation be in the highest good for both of you!

Love,

Sherry