Tips to Stay Calm With Your Kids
DEAR SHERRY:
My husband has a disturbing habit of doling out unrealistic punishments “in a fit of rage”. Oftentimes he reneges on the punishment afterwards. This is extremely frustrating since I believe when you give a punishment you need to follow through. What suggestions do you have for him to be more “thoughtful” in the “heat of the moment”?
A HOT HEAD’S WIFE
DEAR HOT HEAD’S WIFE:
I know this can make you have a HOT HEAD yourself! That being said, our kids can have a way of pushing our buttons, that at times leaves us feeling out of control and powerless. No one likes feeling this way, and when this happens, to assert our power, we may turn to punishment to regain control. Often, when the dust settles, and we are more regulated, we see our behavior as irrational which is why we do not follow through. I might suggest that your husband and all parents keep these things in mind:
First and foremost, I recommend recognizing the powerless and out-of-control feelings that are surfacing. When one goes into a “fit of rage” their autonomic nervous system Is going into a fight response. It is taking one back to other times in their life when they felt scared in some way and couldn’t do anything about the situation; this is usually a time from childhood. The punishment is a knee-jerk reaction to gain control of the situation. Understanding and exploring what is going on within oneself will help one to calm down.
Remaining calm will help your child to be more reasonable, as they feed off of your energy.
Disengaging from the situation if one senses they are starting to become angry can help. It gives you time to calm down, think clearly, and talk from a calm, centered place. Let your child know that your energy is getting heightened and that you need a little time to gather yourself. Assure them that you will revisit the topic a little later.
Parents are a source of security for children. If you do not follow through with what you say, it can influence your child's trust in you, themselves and their environment. Trust is fundamental to help a child feel safe and grow into the best version of themselves.
Kids won't learn to follow the rules without consequences, or if you do not follow through. They will “place their bets” so to speak, figuring the odds are on their side, when they are thinking of making a poor choice. They will think that they can do whatever they want and not learn to be accountable for their actions. Thus this makes your job more complicated as a parent.
Finally, clear limits help children to feel anchored and safe in the world. The safer your child feels, the more centered they will be, and thus more likely to grow into a well-adjusted adult.
I hope that keeping these things in mind helps to let calmer heads prevail.
Sincerely,
Sherry
