How Do I Handle Unreliable People?

DEAR SHERRY:

What do you do if you find yourself in a situation with a person that isn’t being reliable, personally or professionally?

FEELING DISAPPOINTED

DEAR FEELING DISAPPOINTED:

This can be difficult for many of us, because no one likes to be let down, and it can be challenging to confront someone when you aren’t happy with them. Whether personally or professionally, I think it would be helpful to consider these things.

Ask yourself if this is always the way the person has been or is it more recent behavior? There are many reasons someone might be unreliable, such as; life stressors, a lack of interest, or clarity about expectations. They may be incapable of being reliable, as it may be a developmentally unrealistic expectation, or they may never have had anyone to rely on, so they now act unreliable toward others (this behavior could be unconscious).

These are reasons to give us context and understanding to help us develop compassion and prepare for communicating from a more loving and open place, versus taking their behavior personally. Reasons, by all means, are not excuses, as we all need to be accountable for our behavior, and it is important to be able to rely on people in your life. If we don’t communicate, that can lead to resentment and disconnection in relationships, as it is hard to trust someone that isn’t reliable.

If you choose to have a conversation, let the person know that you wish to talk with them and set up a time that works for both of you. People can be caught off guard and not as open if you try to speak with them on the spot. If you are both open to having the conversation at the moment, that is fine too. It is best to meet with someone in person, FaceTime, or on the phone, as things can be misconstrued via email or text.

When communicating, let the person know your intention to improve the relationship, or share what you value about the relationship, before voicing your concern. This will also help them to be more receptive. When sharing your concerns, provide factual data points and share how it affects you. For example, you were late for work three days this week, and I needed to prepare everything myself for the meeting. Another example might be, the last four times we made a plan you canceled at the last minute, and it was my only free night. It was too late to make plans with anyone else so I sat home alone. Share enough points so that the person can see the pattern; at the same time you do not need to express every single grievance if there are a lot. The person will get the point.

Ask if anything is going on with them and if there is anything you can do to provide support? Sometimes someone just needs a little support to help them to function better. For example, someone might need to meet weekly with you to stay on track with their responsibilities. Maybe your friend is late wherever they go, and it has been a problem in their life, and they could use your support to make changes. You bringing it up can be a catalyst for change.

Express your request for change and ask if they can do that? You can also ask them what they can do to improve the situation. Perhaps you can come up with a mutually agreeable solution? Like I said earlier, expectations aren't always clear, and people are often unaware of their behavior. We can not expect people to change their behavior unless we tell them.

Whatever the situation, you need to do what is best for you. If they can't change and be more reliable, perhaps you need to adjust your expectations and your behavior. An example might be, if you know your friend typically runs 30 minutes late, accept that is the way it will be. Start showing up 30 minutes late or you might do something while you wait.

It could also be helpful to think about what they are triggering within you when others are unreliable. Maybe your mom was always late picking you up at football practice or dance class? This situation can bring up feelings of fear and abandonment, that you were unable to work through then, that you can work through now. Look at it as an opportunity for healing. When I work through the deeper issue, things often don’t bother me as much or the pattern ceases to exist in my life because I have healed in that area.

Finally, you may need to change the nature of your relationship and look for a solution that will meet your needs. Sometimes this might mean cutting ties altogether.

I am confident you will be able to RELY on this information to help you to improve your situation.

Good luck!

Sherry