How Do I Deal With My Friends Negativity?

DEAR SHERRY:

What do you do when you have a good friend, who’s going through a really bad time and reflects her negativity on you, even in the most sensitive topics? I want to be there for her during her tough time, but I also can’t keep getting hurt anymore by her negative remarks.

TIRED OF THE NEGATIVITY

DEAR TIRED OF THE NEGATIVITY:

I am sorry that you are feeling hurt by your friend's behavior. I think you can handle this by either talking with her, trying to resolve it within yourself, or some combination of both.

You can be honest with her and let her know how you feel. I would start by saying that you care about her a lot and consider her a good friend and that you feel bad that she is going through a difficult time. At the same time, let her know that you have been hurt by some of the things she said and did.

My educated guess is that she probably isn’t even aware that she is doing it. We can all get wrapped up in our problems at times and be unaware of how we affect other people.

If she is a good friend, she will probably appreciate you letting her know and be apologetic. If she doesn’t have the bandwidth to hear you or the ability to make changes, I would limit my time with her, because the most important person to be there for is yourself. Relationships can ebb and flow, and this may be a moment in time where there is some distance between you.

You can also check in with yourself and see what she is triggering in you. We learn and grow from all of our experiences even though we may not always like what is happening. I believe she may be providing you an opportunity to look within yourself and process some feelings about this sensitive topic.

We all have a different lens from which we perceive what is happening in our environment. I wonder if everyone else is experiencing her in the same way; they might find her negativity upsetting for different reasons? To resolve this within yourself, I suggest asking yourself and writing down all the reasons this is a sensitive topic for you. This exercise helps you explore what's happening inside of you versus focusing on what she is doing and making it about her.

People can’t make you feel a certain way; they can only tap into feelings that already exist inside of you. For example, let's say she is complaining about being overwhelmed with her young children but thinks it is horrible for a mother to work and send their child to daycare, yet you send your child to daycare. If you know that is a good decision for you, and it won’t bother you, you will be able to look at it from her vantage point. Maybe she was adopted herself and has feelings of abandonment and thinks putting her children in daycare would be a form of abandonment. If it was a hard decision for you, there may be something about it that you need to resolve in yourself that she is bringing to the surface for you when she makes these negative comments.

You can choose to say something and also look at what is coming up for you. When I explore what is coming up in me, I am less reactive and have more tolerance for people, even if they are thoughtless and negative, whether I continue to spend my time with them or not.

Whatever you decide, remember to take care of YOU!

Love,

Sherry