How Do I Say No Graciously?

DEAR SHERRY:

How can I say no to opportunities that are presented without feeling like I am shutting someone down?

Thank you!

DIFFICULTY SAYING NO

DEAR DIFFICULTY SAYING NO:

As usual, I have some practical thoughts and some that delve a little deeper.

It is a good idea to start by thanking someone for the opportunity. If you are worried about feeling like you are shutting someone down, you can ask them if you can have time to think about it. If you already have a good idea that you are going to say no, it gives you time to think about how you will tell the person. So often, people believe that they need to answer questions right away, and you do not.

When thinking about it, you might ask yourself why aren't you interested in the opportunity presented? Perhaps it is not the right time for you, because you have other things going on in your life. You can let them know not now, but possibly in the future.

Perhaps you aren't interested, and you can tell them that it doesn't speak to you the way you think it should. Let them know that they would be better off with someone more passionate about the opportunity; if people energetically aren't onboard, something is less likely to go well. You are doing the person a favor by saying no, and hurting them by saying yes to something your heart isn't really into.

Saying no is hard for a lot of people. People often feel like they are letting someone down, or don't want to hurt their feelings somehow. This usually stems from our early childhood experiences, when we were disappointed somehow and we have unresolved feelings about it; therefore, we do not want to disappoint someone else. Inadvertently, we end up hurting ourselves by not meeting our own needs, hence recreating our past.

I might ask myself, why do you feel like you are shutting someone down when you say no? What disappointments have you experienced? If you allow yourself to process them, it will be easier to respond authentically.

Keep in mind that some people might feel shut down, no matter what you say or how you say it; as the child in them has not healed and they perceive their world through a lens from their past. For example, our adult self logically knows that someone's response has nothing to do with us. We might think something like, “I am glad he was honest”, or “I am sure I will find the right person”, or perhaps, “That stinks. I feel disappointed I was hoping he would be interested”. However, the kid in us might take it personally because kids are egocentric, and they think everything revolves around them. A child's thoughts might be, “They must not like me”, “My idea stinks”, or “Nothing ever works out for me”.

Although we are a certain chronological age, everyone has parts of self that are stuck in time, and these parts get triggered back to events from our childhood. My educated guess is that you may have felt shut down by one of your parents or siblings at some point in your childhood or throughout your childhood, and you don't want to do the same to someone else. This typically can lead to people-pleasing behavior.

As long as you are gracious, you are not responsible for their feelings.

I hope these practical tools, as well as a deeper understanding of your psyche and the psyche of others, helps you to feel more at ease.

Warmly,

SHERRY