How Do I Support My Teen Who Is Worried About Getting Into A "Good" College?
DEAR SHERRY:
My high schooler is a good student but seems anxious and worried about getting into a “good” college. How do I respond when self-doubt is at a high? What strategies can I offer to help calm the worry?
A WORRIERS MOM
DEAR WORRIERS MOM:
Getting stressed about college is an all too common problem among our teens. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that perpetuates this, but we can do our best to be a voice of reason.
I have a few thoughts about how to respond. First, acknowledge your teen’s fear, that it can be a stressful time, and that you know that they have worked hard and want their efforts to pay off. If you have any worries, or are reactive to your teen’s fears, I would encourage you to examine that. It is important that you remain calm and are a port in the storm at this time. Being empathetic and holding a calm space, will help your high schooler to settle and be more open to talking.
You might want to help them to understand what is at the root of their fear? Ask, if they do not get into the school of their choice, what does it say about them? For example, maybe in their mind it means I am not good enough, or I am stupid, or I tried so hard for no reason, or perhaps I am a failure. This is an opportunity for some reality testing, and or looking at past choices and learning from them.
You can also ask your teen what is the worst that can happen? When they answer, follow up again with, and then what? And then what? Continue to do this line of questioning so that they can see there really isn’t anything to worry about.
I might explore with your high schooler, what exactly is a good college? Many kids want to go to the most academically challenging, or the most popular college with the best parties. They aren’t thinking about what the best fit is for them.
My good friend's daughter, who recently graduated high school at the top of her class, was accepted into an academically rigorous University that she had been dying to attend. After putting down the deposit, she came back to her mom and said, “I made a mistake, I want to have fun in college and not work so hard”. She had already declined her offers at all the other colleges she applied to and went back and asked them if they would reconsider. One did and she is loving her freshman year!
As a final note, you and your high schooler may be interested in watching the Race to Nowhere documentary. It is about the pressures kids have to achieve today, and the dire consequences they suffer as a result. The movie provides many good talking points. I highly recommend it!
As far as strategies go, I would suggest they list things they can do to help calm the worries. When we are worried, it can be hard to think clearly. Strategies they can use to help calm the fears might be:
Think about what they would say to their own child or a friend and say it to themselves to help reassure them that everything will be ok.
Engage in fun activities that help to get their mind off of it.
Think about a time that they were waiting for news and things worked out well. Recounting positive past experiences like this can help calm their nervous system.
Think about the worst thing in the world that could happen to them on a scale of 1-10 and then have them measure this against not getting into a “good” school. This will help them to remember, no matter what happens, it isn’t the end of the world.
Examine your choices. Is there anything else they can do to influence the outcome? If there is, encourage them to do it. If not, reassure them that they have done everything they can.
Breathing into an area of the body that isn’t tense can be calming. It can be the tip of your nose or the sole of your foot. This too, helps to regulate the nervous system.
Remind them to trust the process. They will get into a college, which is usually the perfect fit. If it isn’t their first choice and they don't end up liking it, transferring is always a possibility. Things always have a way of working out.
May calm energy prevail in your home!
Sincerely,
Sherry
