Where Do I Go From Here With My Father?
DEAR SHERRY:
How should I move forward after my father has shown an unusually strange discomfort in helping me when I asked while pregnant for some help and also buying a car seat for the baby's arrival. I suspect a large part has come from his wife.
I have actually never asked for anything before and have bought everything myself since 15 Including self funded trips away overseas as a teenager. Being an independent person it was hard to even ask, but I lost my job and shortly after my house, I'd just built and saved 7 years for. Bringing me back to nearly nothing with only a few personal possessions. When I asked he couldn't look me in the eye and said I should not have asked without his wife present.
Christmas came and I declined an invitation to my father's as my baby was only 4 weeks old and I didn't feel comfortable with a large group on the day while I was just a new mother.
A month later was my birthday. He forgot to ring on the day (first time) and was upset on the phone with me 2 days later as he just found out I went to my aunties' very small Christmas day lunch instead. I said it was my choice and that didn't go down very well. His response was, but I asked you to our Christmas lunch? I just replied with the same response again. (First time I found my voice like this) It started a horrible childlike attack on me and I ended by saying please don't call me again if he wants to speak to me like this. Before trying to defend myself at every horrible attack or comment made, lies included! Looking back I'd wished I hung up and not listened to it all. It really hurt me and I haven't heard from him since.
It was my baby's first birthday and invitations were sent out. No RSVPs and no show from him and his wife's entire family.
I'm unsure how to move forward and especially defend myself as the questions come my way. On the outside to people my father is a gentleman when in fact this is not the truth. At this point I have no interest in seeing him because of our last few interactions. They have brought me to tears.
Where to from here? Looking for advice on what might be a healthy way or moving forward.
WHERE TO GO FROM HERE WITH MY FATHER
DEAR WHERE TO GO FROM HERE WITH MY FATHER:
I am sorry that your father hasn’t been there for you.
I want to start by saying that it is wonderful that you honored yourself by doing what felt right for you over the holidays, and that you are trying to find your voice with your father.
As I listen to your story about how your father has never given you anything and his discomfort even being asked, I can’t help but wonder if he experienced some sort of lack growing up? This lack could prevent him from giving to you, causing him to feel wounded when you didn’t come to his house for Christmas, and cause him to be afraid of losing his wife's acceptance.
A parent can often only give based on what they received from their parents. If our parents didn’t feel loved and secure enough, it would be hard for them to show love and provide security to us. We then make up stories in our mind about ourselves, and then react in our environment based on the stories we've made up. We might take in direct or indirect messages such as: I’m unlovable, I’m unworthy, I have no value, etc. This becomes the lens that we use to take in the world in all of our interactions. We all have our own lens that influences how we interpret others’ behaviors. Based on that interpretation, we then react. This often leads to discord in relationships.
You ask, where to go from here? Here are a few thoughts. If you need some space from your dad and time to think, I would give yourself that. When you are ready to talk to your father, I would ask him if he is open to having a conversation in the interest of improving your relationship? If he is, I would be honest and let him know how you have felt about his lack of generosity toward you. Before having this conversation with him, I would ask yourself how his lack of generosity has influenced your thoughts, feelings and behavior, toward him and yourself? I wonder if you are less giving toward him? It would be completely understandable if you are. I know you said you didn’t want to go to such a large gathering with the baby being only four weeks old. Is there any part of you that didn’t want to share the baby with him because of his lack of generosity with you? These can be challenging questions to ask ourselves, but they are essential as we co-create our relationships. Maybe this doesn’t resonate with you, but I felt it was important for me to ask.
As I said, we all have a lens of how we interpret things. When your dad learned you went to your aunt's house, he might have construed that you love your aunt more than him. (He was feeling a lack) He can be responding from a wounded child state, from his own family of origin. When he told you he was upset, it may have been hard for you to be empathetic, because of his lack of generosity of spirit toward you. It becomes a vicious cycle.
These types of cycles are at the root of so much discord in relationships. Your dad may or may not be open to having this type of conversation. Not everyone is open and on the journey of healing and self-discovery. If he is not open, I would try again if and when you feel ready.
If your efforts don’t work, you need to grieve the loss of the relationship you wish you had with your dad, and not just cut him off. When we cut people out of our lives, and don’t process our feelings, those feelings sit within us and prevent us from connecting with ourselves, and others, creating the onset of disease as disease is dis-ease of the body, mind and spirit.
You also asked how to defend yourself when questions come your way from others. It can be confusing and frustrating when others see our parents in a better light. Many people treat those outside their family better than their actual family, because it can feel too vulnerable to share our heart with those we love the most. You do not need to defend yourself to anyone if you know and are confident in your truth. If you feel you would like to say something, you can say something like, I know my dad is a certain way with you, but he is different with me, and right now I need some space to work through things.
I believe all discord in relationships provides the opportunity for a spiritual awakening within ourselves. We come to understand ourselves better through the problems that come up in our relationships. Ask yourself how these struggles with your father help you evolve? Maybe you are supposed to find your voice, as you said, this is the first time you spoke up to him.
No matter what, honor yourself and take care of your child within, because no one can take care of you better!
Sending lots of healing energy!
Love,
Sherry
