Lost and Confused Genuine Guy
DEAR SHERRY,
I know I need to do certain things in life, but I tend to procrastinate or become afraid to take that next step. I’m sort of with this woman, and I feel she brings out the best in me. She motivates me but also can be critical of me. I feel like she is too good for me, but I also feel like she underestimates me.
We say we are just friends, even though we act like we are in a relationship. She admits to having a wall up and having a hard time letting people know her on a deeper level. She’s been through so much and she has dealt with it on her own. She feels that since we’ve experienced life differently, that I can’t stimulate her on a deeper level and that she wants someone to open her eyes and be at her level. Since I had a simple life, I have trouble coming up with meaningful things to say to keep a conversation going for a while.
She knows I’m a good genuine hearted person. She appreciates me and loves the core of me. I feel as if I’m always stepping on my toes; one week taking a step forward then the next two steps backward. She tells me she sees how much I have improved since we started talking, so I know I’m going in a good direction. I can’t help but feel like I’m walking on eggshells with her.
I’ve had trouble connecting with women for longer periods of time, but not with her. She means a lot to me. I’ve always thought I needed a simple woman when in reality I need a strong, independent, ambitious woman who will push me to do things I normally wouldn’t and one to enlighten me, and she is definitely that. I want to be able to do the same for her.
What are some things I can do to find deeper conversation topics? Do you think she is just keeping me around, or do you think she is patiently waiting for me to show her I'm the one? What techniques can I use to help calm myself and open up more?
Thank you,
LOST AND CONFUSED GENUINE GUY
DEAR LOST AND CONFUSED GENUINE GUY:
You started out asking me about some things you can do to find deeper conversation topics. There are many great products out there to help stimulate deeper conversations. I personally like the book, If...Questions For The Game of Life and Chat packs.
I am not sure what your friend's intentions are, and although deep conversations can help people connect, you are not responsible for stimulating her. You mentioned that she acknowledged having a wall up. It sounds like she wants you to come up with stimulating topics to help break down her wall, at least on an unconscious level. She is responsible for breaking it down. People often look to others, consciously or unconsciously, to make them feel better. This will lead to anger and resentment in a relationship, as no one can fill the voids within another person.
Grounding exercises can help to calm your nervous system. One that comes to mind, is grounding yourself in your five senses. You start by planting your feet on the ground and noticing what you see, hear, taste, and smell in your environment. Then knead your hands together and follow your breath. This can help to bring you back to the present moment when you are experiencing stress or anxiety.
Also, the more you explore and understand yourself, the more open and at ease you will feel. I recommend you get the book All About Me. This guided journal is an amazing tool for self-reflection. It will help you to connect more deeply with yourself, and then you will be able to connect on a more intimate level with others.
I think it is great that you notice the things you need to work on in life, and that your relationship is helping you to feel more motivated to do so. Being in an intimate relationship can certainly open the door to getting to know yourself better and personal growth. I would encourage you to explore these patterns related to procrastination and being afraid to take the next step so that you can break free from them. Once you do this, your motivation will come from within, verses from someone else, and then you can live your life to its fullest potential.
Sincerely,
SHERRY
