Should I Let This Relationship Go?
DEAR SHERRY:
I am in a long-term relationship which is in its 12th year. I have various moments throughout the relationship that made me wonder if I was with the wrong person. This feeling is becoming stronger and stronger during the past 6 months or so after I landed a new job, but he is still struggling with his job/career, plus being together 24/7 in a one-bedroom apartment in NYC is not helping the situation. I feel that we have drifted apart and became two different persons vs. at the beginning of the relationship 12 years ago while we were just graduate students. My struggle is that I know I should let this relationship go now (can't drag along another 12 years like this), but I am also afraid if it's a wrong call. Dear Sherry, can you please help me? (1) What is the sign(s) of when I should let go of a wrong relationship, especially when it's a 12 years long relationship? (2) How to break up with a guy you have been with for 12 years? How to stay strong after that?
Sincerely,
SCARED AND CONFUSED
DEAR SCARED AND CONFUSED:
How does someone truly know if they are with the wrong person? That can be complicated. The most important relationship is our relationship with ourselves. We all have an innate knowing, and the more we are connected to ourselves, the easier it is to access our truth.
Relationships take work. Whether it is the relationship with yourself or a significant other, you will drift from that person and yourself if you don't tend to it.
We grow and learn about ourselves through every relationship we have, especially our intimate ones. Keep in mind that we can tend to follow patterns in relationships. The problems you see in this relationship may happen in your next one unless you make some changes. The things that bother you about a person you are in a relationship with are often a reflection of a part of you that may be hard for you to acknowledge.
What comes up for you in any relationship, especially a relationship with a significant other, provides you with an opportunity to deepen your relationship with yourself through self-reflection.
Whether you choose to stay or not, it is important to take an action step to cultivate the relationship or to end things. As you said, you can end up being in the same position 12 years from now.
You may want to ask yourself, do I have a desire to work on this relationship? Have I given it my all? Perhaps you may find it helpful to write a list of why you think this is the wrong person for you? You can then see if you have any similar characteristics in yourself that you need to work on.
You may not be confused at all, just scared. I believe we can live life in faith or fear. If we make decisions based on fear, we won't be truly happy and end up creating more of what we don't want. Any steps we take in faith lead to more opportunities and greater fulfillment. Trust that.
If you decide to end things, I would be honest and compassionate. That will help you both to grow and evolve. Take time to process your feelings and grieve the relationship. Ask yourself what you learned about yourself and what you want in a relationship, and keep that in mind when you start a new one.
There will be moments where you have doubt, and it will be hard to stick to your decision; that is just fear creeping in. Work through your fears and keep moving forward. You deserve to be happy!
With love and light,
SHERRY
